REALTALK 2015

so in deeming this the year of REAL TALK per my girl Nina's suggestion…i'm about to drop some real talk on yah.  

hold on tight.

today was a blissful day….one full of magic and happy and crazy and messy…but blissful all the same.

i spent the day loving up on my benji, and spoiling him rotten. why?  because its my right to do that….and when life is so damn hard sometimes…well - you get a little slack and you run with that shit.

it was an amazing day.

today i felt like everything was just so good, and then at the very same time, it was all so catastrophic…there was so much unrest trying so damn hard to weave itself into the fibers of my world…and i almost allowed it…ALMOST.

but then not so much.

tonight i was blessed enough to really fall apart.  like messy cry it out…snot dripping puffy eyes kinda mess.  

but yah know sometimes, there is NOTHING that puts your puzzle pieces back together quite like dumping out the whole damn box.  tonight was a messy cry it out  - the ugly cry kinda tears, and speak in truths so hard that they almost try to claw their way back down your throat kinda truths.

i feel blessed - truly deeply blessed to have peeps in my world that i feel SAFE enough to go there with.  people who love me no matter what…and who bend their definitions on LIFE to keep me around.  tonight i said words that i dreaded saying.  admitted out  LOUD things that i don't even like to acknowledge creeping around my brain…and it helped.  

the fact is this. i own my shit.  i big own it.  

i make mistakes. lots of them.

and my world, its messy.  

and my parenting- it may not be conventional….but its mine.  

and even as hard as this is - i still choose it over complacency. 

because at the end of the day - it works…and we find sunshine in even the darkest hour, and at the very end of my story - it will still be just as interesting as the beginning - this i know beyond a shadow of doubt.

my babies are happy and settled in my arms, and i know that they are going to be 3 rockstar adults when i am done with them.  

so what is my point?  my point is this.  every now and again, you gotta let yourself be weak…feel those bullshit feelings that punch you in the gut and turn your calm center into a storm.  then you put on your big girl panties and you adjust those mother f-ing sails and put your warrior back on. 

i may be a girl on fire - but i own that fire.  

xox *a

Snowishness and other magical updates….

hey there folks.  

its snowing and this is a LONG time coming….ready?

i know i know.  3 F-ING years since my last post.  

who knew. 

who knew that the girl who used to blog all shiny-happy-humorous-truths about life and love and chaos would hit a wall.  

well she did.  i did.  

i did just that. and it was a BIG wall.  

and i hit it hard….so sit on back.

my last post is from august of 2012.  i can barely even sit through reading it yet. because NOTHING,  almost NOTHING in my chaotic life remains the same.  and man is it hard to read through for that reason alone.

  I'm glad its there - because someday - i will be able to look back and smile….  but right now?  right now I'm nothing more than a mama trying to catch my breath…a girl on fire,  in a world of madness that swirls around me…

me and my beans.

i stopped blogging because i started to feel like my walls were closing in.

like i was fighting to stay positive in a place that i had no more smiles to share, no more love to give, and no more stories to share.

it's not true…i need to write...

  the crumbling of those walls crushed me for a hot second but I'm OK.  we are ok. 

 we are, I am….here now.

im gonna see if i can even remember how to do this. 

here goes nothing...

i am no longer married.  

that man i used to call hubs, he was my whole world and my best friend…well - he's just a guy that i used to know.  (cue cheesy music playing…)  we divorced under the guise of staying best friends and raising our children in a different kind of love story. 

well.  that being said…that man no longer exists in my world.  for about 24 hours that looked like an amazing plan, and then, XH we will call him, moved in with his "new girl"  and yeah - well…not a day goes by that i don't wish things were different. 

we could have rocked the whole friendship thing. 

i know it in my heart of hearts - we so totally could have rocked it.  

 

the children still see their father, but as things remain, we don't speak, and those pie in the sky ideas of raising our children, well they died with the demise of the marriage.  i find myself at low moments just walking around my home and shaking my head.  i'm a wicked head shaker.  its not a good practice.

i know walking away was the right thing to do, for so, so many reasons…but…but..well, i'm gonna bite my tongue here, as there just isn't a whole lot i can say just yet.  

YET.  

because i will secretly never stop hoping that XH will remember who i really am.

my grandmother has since passed on - i wrote about her in my last post - and man does that SUCK.  she was my voice of reason, even when she was SO far off the mark, there was always SOME truth in her advice that i was able to grasp onto and find my way to breathable air.

as for the rest of our lovefest chaos…the beans are AHHHHMAZING. 

 i wake up feeling truly blessed every day…its not always good here, there are days that are so f-word hard i want to throw in the towel, but we get by.  i have a support network around me that keeps me sane…and these beans… blissful.  

Biggest bean is 11. He owns ALL of the hellishness that comes with 11.  he is battling demons that no kiddo should have to, and i am amazed at his will and strength to fight for what he believes in.  the kid is going places…just maybe awhile before he gets there.  its not gonna be an easy road for this one, but i've got his back.

the little miss…well - she's a hot ticket.  Keeps me on my toes and has a fire to her that could only have come from this mama.   and i encourage it because god dammit - this world NEEDS more girls on fire. complacency in this life is NOT an option people….stop allowing for JUST good enough…

 and the littlest bean….well, he is turning 8 tomorrow.  EIGHT.  its insane.  he's my sunshine in a world of sometimes not so hot.  he has a smile on his face and possibly the BIGGEST heart that one could ever come across…he's chock full of magic and i feel so blessed to be his mama.

so all in all, the world keeps on moving forward in beanville…we are OK.  that shiny happy place we used to rock, well….we have some scars over here, but they definitely don't define us, they simply add some color.

 our story will still be an amazing one at the end of the day.  

so for now, we spend most of our time immersed in hockey and family and friends and goodz...we don't know whats coming next, but we are standing our ground.  and its SOLID.

i was called a shitty mom this week by XH, and told i am self focused, and to "go post another selfie, bitch"  SO, in true fiery mama status - happy snow day homies  - with love - the BITCH.

my aim is to get back here - and to write again, because writing heals me …so here's hoping i can make that happen.

have missed this process.  xox, *a