small steps and deep breaths

some days i feel like i cannot catch my breath....

like the world is spinning so damn fast that it is all i can do just to dig my toes deeper into the grass and hang on for dear life.  

between work and school and kids and hockey and lacrosse and LIFE in general...i worry i am not doing it right....not caring enough about some things and caring entirely too much about other things...

i get all the laundry done and feel like i have moved mountains...only to realize i have completely spaced out on permission slips that were due a week ago and oh-my-god lunch money and snack and 60 toenails /nails need clipping....i.can't.even.deal.

some nights i cook an amazing meal and other nights we have cheerios for dinner. and and and...holy hell these kids are going to need therapy...

BREATHE.   

i remember not so many years ago when i wouldn't dare let my kids out of my sight with a single hair out of place...and if there was even a spot of dirt or food on their clothes it was a mad race back upstairs to change before anyone saw...*SIGH* now its a question of how MUCH dirt is on the shirt and if it is really THAT noticeable.

it is funny - the things that i worried about when i was so very busy worrying about being a single parent....well - not having time to clip 30 toenails NEVER even crossed my mind...not once.

BREATHING still...

i try every day - to remember this is NOT a competition....that my world is just fine...a few nics and scratches on the surface and some scars that run way more than skin deep - but that ultimately, i am in competition with nobody...and my world only needs to keep moving forward at the pace i have set for it...for me and my beans.

we are MORE than ok...we are great.  we have a loving supportive circle...chock full of people that love the shit out of us unconditionally...like CRAZY love.  a family to die for - parents that literally move me to tears with how hard they love us...friends who make my circle unbreakable, a woman that makes me understand in the way she loves me why nothing before her was right...a job that i wake up and cannot wait to go to...coworkers who have my back...and the list goes on...

like seriously....blissed.

but it isn't all sunshine and roses.  

sometimes i get the wind knocked out of me...i go and sit on the hill at lacrosse alone...and i watch the happy families - moms and dads and their kids - the townies...i catch the sideways stares....my blue hair...my tattoos peeking out...the sympathetic nods...poor single mom...cant make it to all the activities...can't get the schedule right...can't seem to keep her head on straight... the moms who used to talk to me and no longer do...it sucks....its hard...it's like being in a real live episode of mean girls...or real housewives of suburbia...only i'm on the outside looking in...at what my life USED to be.

but here's the thing...my head is not on straight...because i don't want it to be...it's pleasantly and creatively crooked - BY CHOICE.  and i'm not that poor single mom...i am right exactly where i need to be...my kids are loved...loved DEEPLY...and i am loved....LOVED hard.  i didn't miss that practice - i was out teaching a grad class, or coaching a hockey clinic, or having dinner with a friend - because i can...and i want to...and my hair is blue because i fucking like it that way...and my tattoos are just stories on the canvas that is my skin...i like them there...and not you or your dirty looks will make me feel bad about that.  

DEEP BREATH.

i have made mistakes in my life...many of them.  perhaps i will venture to say an excessive amount of them...but look at me...i survived them...all of them...a few bumps and bruises, but i am still here - living and shit.

but my dirtiest of dirty little secrets - i don't regret a single one of them.  

they are just some of the scars that have built the path on my soul where my strength was born...i own each and every one of them and use them to remind me how many steps i have taken....and how far i have come. i would not trade my choas for your quiet.  i don't miss those days of keeping up with the joneses and worrying about how i will keep allllll those hairs in place....i chose this path...and i do not regret it - not even for a minute.  

most days i am just winging it...making my own sunshine where i need to and loving the shit out of my crazy....my choas...and my fire...i am blessed and lucky...every.damn.day.

lovins all around...

*a

3,285 days.

NINE more years.

NINE MORE.

Say it with me people. NINE.

which is actually 3,285 days remaining that i need to have any communication whatsoever with my narcissistic bastard of an ex husband.

i just received an email in which he called me a liar over a discrepancy of 5 dollars.  yup. FIVE mother-fucking dollars.


i have spent the last several years desperately trying to wrap my brain around the notion of co-parenting. i have tried to be nice, i have tried to reach out…have tried to be flexible…

tried to understand...how to split time with my ex and our collective children, yet make decisions together.  here's the thing…for a lot of you - this works…but for me…well - I'm throwing in the towel.

line in the sand.

waving the white flag.


I'm DONE.

R.I.P co-parenting….

see here's the deal.  when one co-parents with a narcissistic bastard, the experience is QUITE different then co-parenting with a logical sound minded individual.  it's wasted time, and wasted energy.  energy i simply do not have to give.   in theory co-parenting sounds AHHHMAZING. not trying to glorify divorce but seriously….you get every other weekend to have some free time to get shit done, you get to have space from a relationship that went south but still be connected to that person who you deeply loved at one time, forever (if you could only see how hard i just rolled my eyes while typing that.)  that is all IN THEORY. You no longer have to cook meals for someone who doesn't appreciate your efforts, or wake up next to someone who took you for granted for 18 years…BUT you still get to have 3 amazing kiddos with said person.

FAST FORWARD to co-parenting with a narcissistic bastard instead….

last week i picked my children up after their "daddy" weekend - to be told that my baby…the youngest - was sick all weekend.  not runny nose sick- but coughed through the night and had to be medicated sick.  and this was the FIRST i heard of it.

i have this habit of picking up the phone to call and tell him when the kids have a paper cut.  because we signed papers saying that is what we would do…CO-PARENT.  

craziest thing is this though…i drop my kids off on daddy weekends and i magically disappear into the ether.  POOF!  i actually do not exist again until sunday night at 8 pm.  i am only a figment of their imagination when i show up at weekend games or events…i have no parenting say or place in this world…because when its a daddy weekend we play house with girlfriend from hell…who my oldest son lovingly refers to as ISIS.  i shit you not.



so people…i am burying the notion.  from this point on we will move forward in a world of parallel play…like toddlers in the sand box - who know each other yet choose not to interact…there will be no more friendly attempts to chat at games - and offers to watch the kids events together…or offer a coffee if I'm making a pre game run.  it is time to lay this to rest….peace out NBXH.


i know i know - you're all hearing that stupid song "now your just somebody that i used to know…"  sigh….maybe i will get it tattooed on my FACE…


3,285…….say it people…3,285  I GOT THIS.