REALTALK 2015

so in deeming this the year of REAL TALK per my girl Nina's suggestion…i'm about to drop some real talk on yah.  

hold on tight.

today was a blissful day….one full of magic and happy and crazy and messy…but blissful all the same.

i spent the day loving up on my benji, and spoiling him rotten. why?  because its my right to do that….and when life is so damn hard sometimes…well - you get a little slack and you run with that shit.

it was an amazing day.

today i felt like everything was just so good, and then at the very same time, it was all so catastrophic…there was so much unrest trying so damn hard to weave itself into the fibers of my world…and i almost allowed it…ALMOST.

but then not so much.

tonight i was blessed enough to really fall apart.  like messy cry it out…snot dripping puffy eyes kinda mess.  

but yah know sometimes, there is NOTHING that puts your puzzle pieces back together quite like dumping out the whole damn box.  tonight was a messy cry it out  - the ugly cry kinda tears, and speak in truths so hard that they almost try to claw their way back down your throat kinda truths.

i feel blessed - truly deeply blessed to have peeps in my world that i feel SAFE enough to go there with.  people who love me no matter what…and who bend their definitions on LIFE to keep me around.  tonight i said words that i dreaded saying.  admitted out  LOUD things that i don't even like to acknowledge creeping around my brain…and it helped.  

the fact is this. i own my shit.  i big own it.  

i make mistakes. lots of them.

and my world, its messy.  

and my parenting- it may not be conventional….but its mine.  

and even as hard as this is - i still choose it over complacency. 

because at the end of the day - it works…and we find sunshine in even the darkest hour, and at the very end of my story - it will still be just as interesting as the beginning - this i know beyond a shadow of doubt.

my babies are happy and settled in my arms, and i know that they are going to be 3 rockstar adults when i am done with them.  

so what is my point?  my point is this.  every now and again, you gotta let yourself be weak…feel those bullshit feelings that punch you in the gut and turn your calm center into a storm.  then you put on your big girl panties and you adjust those mother f-ing sails and put your warrior back on. 

i may be a girl on fire - but i own that fire.  

xox *a