not like bob ross style or anything…but maybe something still, and quiet, and soft - an image like that of a Sally Mann portrait…
around 19 years ago.
summerish.
a girl - (that would be me)- and a boy, (that would be XH)…were hiking in the woods with some friends.
it was a gorgeous hazy day - XH was in process of hiking the trail, and we had driven out to meet him.
i would have gone to the ends of the earth for that man. well, that boy. at the time he was just a boy.
i was independent and so YOUNG strong…i thought i had the world figured out.
this boy and i - we were gonna have the love story of a life time.
my memory of so many things is shoddy, and our long strange trip over the decades has ended on a bitter note, but as of late, i find my mind wandering back to that trip…
while we were trouncing through the woods, and climbing over rock crevices, i remember him reaching up and grabbing my hand to help me step down…i faltered slightly, and he said this to me…
"don't ever be that girl...the one who is afraid of her footing, and where her next step will land."
at the time i took his hand, and smiled. who knew 20 years later that moment would be stuck on the highlight reel as a lesson to listen more closely...
so here's the funny thing - the older i got - the more afraid of my footing i was i didn't trust my gut…i became codependent…and scared to stand up for my fire.
i became a mom. i hid behind my momness.
i rocked every part of parenting…textbook well.
but my spark dimmed…and my fire - well, it was nothing more than smoldering - at best.
i will say for about 8 years of my marriage, i WAS that girl.
when XH moved out - i called my dad to come over and change a lightbulb for me. helllllooo independent.
DAMNIT.
where was that GIRL? that girl who moved mountains? that girl who stood up at her high school graduation and spoke words out loud…who owned her truths. who danced in the rain and didn't give a shit what people thought.
now don't mistake i am blaming XH - i am not.
he didn't cause this…it was a simple, but not so simple byproduct of our marriage.
our "partnership…" the loneliest i ever was was within my marriage.
at the end - i was doing it all alone anyway. and it fueled my need to leave.
my steps had ceased,
and
sitting by my grams death bed - day in and day out - for weeks…i came to a HARD realization.
the marriage was dead.
and that girl…she was suffocating….
for a time, i stuck it out and tried to make myself fit the mold…but eventually that weak and scared girl lost her battle….because the warrior mama personality will always prevail. always.
and because i couldn't hold my breath any longer my steps began to move forward…at first small steps, before i broke into a run...
and now...
I AM right here.
as for my strength…
i know exactly the moment it started creeping back in…it was the day i stood up at my grandmothers funeral and spoke words that hurt….they ached to say…but one by one as they left my mouth they began to sew the shards of my heart back together…and my step became solid again…it was just pre divorce, but the beginning of my strength finding its way home.
and NOW…several years later -
i am embracing the life that i CHOOSE to live and the chaos that we call home.
we are NOT perfect. far from it.
BUT
here we do high emotions.
we do lots of lovins and snuggles.
we do love is love…and we mean it.
we yell, we kiss and make up…but most importantly, we trust.
I TRUST.
i trust my footing.
and the path that i am on.
i am not afraid of my next steps. finally. i am excited about the potential to fail. because i fail forward…and my failures make me strong as HELL.
and hell hath NO fury, like a girl on fire. we know that much at the very least to be SO true.
so live and love STRONG homies…and TRUST your step.
i am.
*a
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