hey there folks.
its snowing and this is a LONG time coming….ready?
i know i know. 3 F-ING years since my last post.
who knew.
who knew that the girl who used to blog all shiny-happy-humorous-truths about life and love and chaos would hit a wall.
well she did. i did.
i did just that. and it was a BIG wall.
and i hit it hard….so sit on back.
my last post is from august of 2012. i can barely even sit through reading it yet. because NOTHING, almost NOTHING in my chaotic life remains the same. and man is it hard to read through for that reason alone.
I'm glad its there - because someday - i will be able to look back and smile…. but right now? right now I'm nothing more than a mama trying to catch my breath…a girl on fire, in a world of madness that swirls around me…
me and my beans.
i stopped blogging because i started to feel like my walls were closing in.
like i was fighting to stay positive in a place that i had no more smiles to share, no more love to give, and no more stories to share.
it's not true…i need to write...
the crumbling of those walls crushed me for a hot second but I'm OK. we are ok.
we are, I am….here now.
im gonna see if i can even remember how to do this.
here goes nothing...
i am no longer married.
that man i used to call hubs, he was my whole world and my best friend…well - he's just a guy that i used to know. (cue cheesy music playing…) we divorced under the guise of staying best friends and raising our children in a different kind of love story.
well. that being said…that man no longer exists in my world. for about 24 hours that looked like an amazing plan, and then, XH we will call him, moved in with his "new girl" and yeah - well…not a day goes by that i don't wish things were different.
we could have rocked the whole friendship thing.
i know it in my heart of hearts - we so totally could have rocked it.
the children still see their father, but as things remain, we don't speak, and those pie in the sky ideas of raising our children, well they died with the demise of the marriage. i find myself at low moments just walking around my home and shaking my head. i'm a wicked head shaker. its not a good practice.
i know walking away was the right thing to do, for so, so many reasons…but…but..well, i'm gonna bite my tongue here, as there just isn't a whole lot i can say just yet.
YET.
because i will secretly never stop hoping that XH will remember who i really am.
my grandmother has since passed on - i wrote about her in my last post - and man does that SUCK. she was my voice of reason, even when she was SO far off the mark, there was always SOME truth in her advice that i was able to grasp onto and find my way to breathable air.
as for the rest of our lovefest chaos…the beans are AHHHHMAZING.
i wake up feeling truly blessed every day…its not always good here, there are days that are so f-word hard i want to throw in the towel, but we get by. i have a support network around me that keeps me sane…and these beans… blissful.
Biggest bean is 11. He owns ALL of the hellishness that comes with 11. he is battling demons that no kiddo should have to, and i am amazed at his will and strength to fight for what he believes in. the kid is going places…just maybe awhile before he gets there. its not gonna be an easy road for this one, but i've got his back.
the little miss…well - she's a hot ticket. Keeps me on my toes and has a fire to her that could only have come from this mama. and i encourage it because god dammit - this world NEEDS more girls on fire. complacency in this life is NOT an option people….stop allowing for JUST good enough…
and the littlest bean….well, he is turning 8 tomorrow. EIGHT. its insane. he's my sunshine in a world of sometimes not so hot. he has a smile on his face and possibly the BIGGEST heart that one could ever come across…he's chock full of magic and i feel so blessed to be his mama.
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so all in all, the world keeps on moving forward in beanville…we are OK. that shiny happy place we used to rock, well….we have some scars over here, but they definitely don't define us, they simply add some color.
our story will still be an amazing one at the end of the day.
so for now, we spend most of our time immersed in hockey and family and friends and goodz...we don't know whats coming next, but we are standing our ground. and its SOLID.
i was called a shitty mom this week by XH, and told i am self focused, and to "go post another selfie, bitch" SO, in true fiery mama status - happy snow day homies - with love - the BITCH.
my aim is to get back here - and to write again, because writing heals me …so here's hoping i can make that happen.
have missed this process. xox, *a
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