*sigh* these three little faces…well, not so little faces…they make my world spin around.  they set my heart on fire every single day.  and in the spirit of loving the ever living daylights out of them, and working on moving forward…lets have some real talk.

as 2015 comes to a halt i have a few confessions to make….

i didn't believe you all…when you told me it would get easier…i just didn't believe you.    

when you told me the pain would dissipate…i thought…screw you…you may feel that way..but you people are WRONG.  very, very, very wrong.  I will NEVER feel safe again…or independent…or brave.

when i put one foot in front of the other and said boldly…"i got this!"  i really didn't.  

 remember that day you saw me at the grocery store - school - rink - mall - gas station, and i smiled and said "NEVER BETTER!"  i was lying to you.  

i was existing in a gray space - a space of fake it till you make it…smiling through tears, coming home and pacing around my empty house…being manic and avoiding my realities, because hell - it was WAY easier to do that.  on a roller coaster of guilt and sadness with an edge of happiness trying like hell to force its way in...and pretending that i was okay. 

 i wasn't.

  

a select FEW of you saw through the gray fog…but most of you took me at face value…as you should have…i told you to.

BUT….it.was.a.lie.

BUT.  But but but.  

here's the deal my loves…i finally got there.  

i got to that place.

 i don't cringe at the idea of a night home alone…i enjoy the quiet...

i can say with out tearing up - "sorry, that's a daddy weekend…"

i see the x-man talking to people in my world and i no longer get that pit in my stomach about what potential tsunami may arise when he walks away…

i can THINK.  i can remember the realities…that there where some really good times…

i can get through those memories and smile…and even sometimes laugh about them…

because people…you were right…it does get easier…every day.  

i reached that point where i can tell my story.  the whole mother fucking thing…without tears in my eyes.  without looking down and feeling that pain shoot straight through my aching heart.

where the guilt no longer haunts my mind and prevents me from sleeping - even a moment.

i no longer fear the world as night falls…i welcome it that soul seeking quiet and magical space.

and i am NOT mad anymore.  mad finally up and walked away…and i am soooo glad she did.  because damn….mad was eating my soul.

i have begun to put my steps together…and to see the path that it forms beneath me as i go…and i now understand what it is.…

a gift. 

a giant sparkly gift complete with a bow and a love note. (not too sparkly though…because this girl - will never do the glitzy glittery glam thang…and that is WAY ok.)

so here it is peeps.

i ended my marriage.  

i ended MY marriage. 

 but guess what lovelies…it was MINE to end.  and we all survived.  and it was NOT ideal -not ideal at all.

it was messy as hell - and i will be the very first to own the SHIT out of that.

and it hurt.

  we ALL hurt

…especially my babies…and our world is SO very different…and THAT is ok.  

SO NOW…

we associate burnt cookies with bitter endings 

and we know that time together needs to be cherished because it isn't always an option.

and we know that we are part of a story that sometimes sucks…but is more often than not totally functional…and ok. its a colorful and unique story - and hell - if you expect ANYTHING other than that from me - you kinda just don't know me at all now do you…

we snuggle more…we kiss lots and we love always…

we have amazing family and friends…which have morphed completely and utterly into one and the same…we exist in a magical circle of love and never question it..

AND

that path - yah know - way back when i set out on this chaotic adventure...the one i chose with conviction in my eyes and a fire in my soul…
 -well - that path...it gets to go wherever i choose to step…which, when you think of it is actually kinda fucking amazing.  

so loves,   i am sending happiness, and healing, and love to you all.

happy 2015 peeps…let's put this year to bed…let's marvel at all that was amazing, and give some love and light to even the sucktastic parts…
cheers y'all! 

 time to start loving the hell out of 2016….we got this shit….we really, really, REALLY do.


xox, *a